Those who know me well, know that I was forced to go to a christian high school. Directly because of it, I am an agnostic. In the last month, I’ve had to think about my religious upbringing more often than I’ve wanted to, in part to a half-assed 10 year reunion and various conversations on Facebook from old classmates. I try to stay out of political debates because it always seems like a waste of energy. I very much have an opinion, but people who will flippantly voice theirs at moments notice annoy the fuck out of me. The only two topics that I will go out of my way to voice my opinion on is immigration and gay rights. My mom’s side of the family is Mexican (which means I am), and I have gay friends and family (some of whom are also Mexican).
Debates have occurred about both topics and those who back their opinions with fear and ignorance rather than compassion and truth anger me the most. I’ve tried to be accepting of their views, but disregard and lack of respect for mine only alienates me further. Anyone still associated with a Christian mindset would argue that I’ve “fallen away” from the teachings of Christ. Rather, I’d like to believe that I no longer want to associate myself with the complacency and ignorance of my peers. The fear of secular culture among Christians is an effective tool to encourage the masses of believers to have an “Us Vs Them” mentality. When in reality, the actions of Christ showed that he spent the most time on earth with sinners, lepers, and prostitutes. Yet these are the very people that Christians shun, reject and alienate. I am agnostic because these people ignore the 2nd most important teaching of Christ: love thy neighbor as thyself. Problem is that most Christians believe that honoring thy god first means that they must take it upon themselves to lead witch hunts against sinners who disobey obscure verses of the bible.
Most Christians mean well, but the disconnect with understanding things on a rational human level angers me. I’m pretty sure that most of the opponents of gay rights have never spent time with or befriended a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or gender queer. If they did, they might question if they still believe what they’re preaching. Not to mention, that their brand new lbgt friend wouldn’t appreciate getting thrown under the bus for their beliefs.
It is because I come from a family of Mexican immigrants that I don’t believe that solving the “border problem” has a black and white solution and has nothing to do with discrimination. It is because of my many gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and gender queer friends that I will not stand idly as others seek to degrade and deny them of human dignity. Lastly, it is because of Christians, that I am not a Christian.
You cannot have an artist life and be happy. You have to go through pain and doubt and distress because you think you’re not gifted at all and you miss the point. Every morning i wake up dreaming that I did the shot in a better way. That I should have done this, should have done this, I forgot to do this. It is true that sometimes you feel that you are not gifted, depressed and tired and you better stay in bed and read and enjoy other people’s films or other people’s books…and then it comes back, and you don’t know why. I forget to be depressed in a way. You feel like an Apple tree is supposed to make apples. You’re supposed to create something. Which comes out of you. I don’t know how, sometimes. -Agnes Varda